Dating sucks, they say. Don’t live in a city to find your significant other, they say. Don’t online date, they say. I thought I would perpetuate this trend with another incendiary blog post to entertain my friends, but then a close friend stopped me in my tracks: “Cole, you’ve dated a good amount, and you’ve got some smart things to say. Why don’t you give advice, rather than just join the chorus of complainers?”
I aim to follow my friend’s advice with this post. I hope it’s helpful to you.
Before I get going with my lovely list of do’s for men, I want to clear up a couple things. First, I am a heterosexual male living in SF. I don’t know if this advice may not work for LGBT folks, and it may not work for folks outside of ‘modern’ places such as cities like SF and NYC where dating culture and expectations are different. Furthermore, this article is not about pickup tactics, which have been written about extensively. Such tactics might be fun to use at a bar, but they don’t work on intelligent women or the path to something emotionally fulfilling. Finally, at the end, I’ll share one REALLY EASY wild card way to date if you live in the city as well as a fun troll-worthy chart (everyone loves easy fixes n’ charts, right?) Without further ado, let’s dive right in.
Don’t know what integrity means? A great example to start with is keeping a job or a career path (if it’s in your control). One of the keys to success in life is sticking with something, no matter how hard it gets. Women sense a man who has this core philosophy and instantly attribute the fact that you’ll actually be able to stick to your potential relationship with them through the thick and thin. I recall asking a really desirable woman in college why she dated a guy on the track team. It wasn’t for his body; it was for his commitment to the sport. She found it magnetic. I’ve noticed that now that I’ve become a morning person, women respect my wishes to stick to it; even if they have zero intention of becoming one. As DJ Khaled says, “I will never stop”. That’s pure integrity. Don’t have integrity? That’s okay, learn to build habits or find someone who can hold you accountable to something, like a mentor.
Those who seek advice are usually folks who want to grow. Mentorship can come from an expert, but it can also come from being a mere sounding board. I’ve found that when I listen and give advice on a situation, whether it’s work or personal related; even if I’m not an expert witness or a licensed therapist, it’s deeply appreciated. It adds value to their life and shows you care about helping them improve their wisdom. You should seek advice too. It will only enrich your relationship, even if you’re just dating casually. Next time she asks for advice, listen and react without your personal agenda. It’s easier than you think. You’ll be surprised how easy it is to give good advice when you’re merely a sounding board. Pro tip: better sex comes from a stronger connection.
Women might be experimenting with their gender roles, but straight men aren’t. They’re still trying to be the tough guy who doesn’t show or care about his emotions. This is not only a bottleneck to keeping a woman attracted, studies now show it’s physically unhealthy for you. The modern man seeks to understand his emotions and isn’t afraid to talk about them. He understands that modern women might have some masculine and feminine qualities, and he may too. Go ahead, open up a bit after some rapport is built, even if it’s just date #3. When a man reveals deep psychological traits about himself, it’s rare, and women feel closer to him, therefore more attracted. Do you know if you’re an introvert and if so, when you need space? Do you see the world emotionally or logically? If she’s repelled when she finds out about such traits, she’s simply not right for you. Some places to start are learning about your zodiac sign, your myers briggs and love language. Class is in session!
The better you are at saying FUCK YES or FUCK NO, the better off you are. <– read that linked post after this btw. Integrity and Passion go hand-in-hand. You’ll only have integrity if you’re passionate about something. Ever heard of that saying, “You only get what you put into it”? Well, the same goes for every single part of life; dating, work, etc. When you have a passion for your work, women notice. When you have a passion for a woman, she’ll notice, even if it’s not immediate. Sure, you can go for something, but it will come to you more quickly if the quality and intensity you go for it with is higher. Combine this with the 3 traits above and you’ll be attracting the ‘hard to get’ women in no time. Not passionate about work? Take up a hobby like Piano or Snowboarding. When you’re describing your passion for it, that’s magnetic. Finally, when you’re passionate, you’ll be more likely to act chivalrous; making subtle affectionate efforts; such as holding the door and carrying things.
It’s simple. Date someone who lives outside the city. I’ve had great luck with this. Why? If someone lives in the same city, chances are they’ve experienced the same things, gone to the same places for dates and maybe even have a few friends in common to you. On top of that, modern, ambitious city folk are very selfish with their time. If you start off with the pressure of living walking distance from eachother it might feel overbearing. These are all factors that seem to kill city romances. When you date someone who lives outside the city, even by a few miles, they will see dating you as a new adventure and the allure will be strong. Things will more likely start of on the right foot because of the vacuum between you, rather than the idea of over-saturation. I’ve seen the benefits first-hand. Give the ‘long distance’ thing a try, despite its bad reputation. You might like it.
In conclusion, I recommend working on the areas mentioned above if you really want to attract someone who enriches you, and you won’t feel like you’ve settled. Love is a two way street, and you’ll only end up attracting and keeping the quality of person that you first build in yourself. Most people don’t consciously work on themselves in order to attract others, they think it’s just a matter of a few pickup lines and how many sit-ups they do. After dating a lot, reading psychology books and quizzing countless friends of mine, the above is the best advice I can offer you, boiled down to 4 of the top factors.
If you’re still not convinced, take a look at this satirical diagram I made, which will hopefully make it more clear:
Did you get this far? If so, and if you’re a straight woman; I hereby challenge you to write the other-sex top 4 difficult yet effective ways a woman can attract the modern man. Perhaps there also may be a versions for the LGBT community. (See my rainbow usage above? #love) Thanks for reading erryone!