First of all, what straight guy doesn’t want to make a woman he’s interested in happier (therefore more interested in him)? That’s what I thought. Read on. A big portion of this post was inspired by reading Aziz Ansari’s book, Modern Romance. You may know him as a popular comedian, yet he also commissioned an extensive and surprisingly scientific study on dating. That, in addition to input from friends and personal observations have led me to the two most simple yet powerful things that men constantly mess up but can fix easily. Don’t worry guys, it’s not all your fault, but you still need to man-up and take responsibility; because that’s kinda part of being a man, right? Sure, there’s plenty of things women could fix too, but that’s on them, not us.
By following these two steps you’ll have a positive impact on women you date – faster than you can microwave a Mac N cheese dinner, aka the time it takes to read this post.
Create an emotional connection, or two
Ever listen to women complain about men just wanting to hook up, or how they want to wait until the 3rd or so date? It’s because they’re wired differently, not necessarily because they don’t want to get physical with you. Deep down, they’re looking for an emotional connection, or a way to relate to you, and in many cases, it simply takes a date or a few to form that. That way of relating to you could be the fact you both like Fish Tacos with extra Sriracha on them, or it could be the fact that you both came from broken families and are stronger for it, or it could be the fact you have a litany of such things in common, maybe simply the right astrology match. Whatever it is, make the connection and the courtship experience will be much more pleasurable for you both.
Maybe you don’t have anything in common, but you’re really attracted to her for some reason, well, then listen! Listening shows interest. If you’re interested, then you’ll connect, and maybe even want to make yourself have something in common by doing something she already likes doing with her.
Yes, you’re a guy – you love and want sex, but after learning to be a bit more present and mindful, you’ll see that no emotional connection makes sex suck. If you haven’t already, you’ll see that it sucks for you too! No one wants that, except sociopaths and rapists. You not one of those. Furthermore, who doesn’t want passion? Passionate love-making or even passionate hooking up that’s truly consensual in our adult years almost always comes from a strong emotional connection.
If you don’t already know what it means to make an emotional connection with someone, then start asking, and begin listening and reading others. You’ll eventually get it, internalize it, and the special someone who comes in your life will value their interaction with you much more. Learn to see things from a woman’s perspective. A quality woman will also try to see things from yours. Meet each other half way if need be.
Be more precise with plans and intentions
Yes, women still like and expect men to make the first move and plan things, even feminists! Aziz reports most messages women receive online or on texts are, “Hey”, and “Wanna hang out sometime?” Now, if you were a woman, receiving that 10 times a day, not only would desensitize you from these bozos, it would straight up annoy you. This is happening at mass scale, today. Yikes!
What if a man said, “Hey Dana, I really like your profile picture with you eating that delicious salmon dish. Want to meet up this Saturday for a bit and walk around the farmers market on the embarcadero to get to know each other around noon? There’s some incredible seafood there, you might like to see it. Let me know. Looking forward to chatting more.”
When you’re precise and thoughtful, not only do you stand out from the bozos who just say “Hey wanna hang?”, you also exhibit other universally attractive qualities: you’re seen as a leader, assertive, creative and thoughtful. Maybe you’re thinking it’s too aggressive to open with this or after just a few messages. You’re wrong. Women dislike the opposite; the chatty-cathys who never ask to meet up and just say “Hey”. That’s now the norm, be the exception. Take my advice and be precise. Also take comfort in the fact most dating coaches advise their clients to limit online messages to 6 before proposing a date.
Now, let’s say you actually just want to hook up. That’s okay! Same rule applies. It might take more finesse than, “Hey wanna bang?”, but at the end of the day, straightforward men with clear intentions are less likely to creep a woman out. Creeped out women never sleep with men, no matter how horny they are. If the woman wants to hook up too, she’ll be glad you’re upfront and likely say yes if she’s interested. Tinder wouldn’t be so popular if no one wanted to hook up.
Ever see a relatively unattractive guy walking down the street with a woman he doesn’t seem to belong with? He probably followed the simple advice above. It’s proof that inner qualities can beat chiseled cheeks.
By the way, being clear with plans and intentions translates to being successful in all other areas of life. Give that a ponder during your next meditation retreat. Did I just save you a trip to India? Yes, I accept donations ;).
“Match.com will bring more love to the planet than anything since Jesus Christ.” –Gary Kremen, founder of Match.com in 1995
Maybe he was right. 1/3 of Americans used online dating in the last several years, and it has given us more options than our parents ever had. Unfortunately, there is a dark side that’s eating away at one thing many deem more sacred than anything else – love fulfillment and finding ‘the one’. In the old days, our parents just met at the school dance or via newspaper ads and got married after a few dates. Ironically they, and people subjected to arranged marriages report high levels of happiness and satisfaction in their mates. But why? This makes no sense. It’s because of the principle of scarcity and less options.
With so many options now, understand you’ll likely devalue humans to a mere chat bubble on your phone. In addition, many people use online dating to pass the time or keep one eye open for something better out there; an upgrade.
Hey, I’m really enjoying T100 right now.
-No dude, T200 is way better!
Men and women share this affliction. Maybe you’ve already caught onto this yourself. It leads to the behaviors above like the “Hey” and “Wanna hang out?”, and lack of emotional connection. What online dating is secretly perpetuating is quantity over quality. Online dating is merely an introduction platform, but people act like the date takes place online. It should take place in person.
We’re missing and forgetting about quality. We want it back, but are seduced away from it by the allure of this feast of humans in little chat bubble form, accessible at the swipe of a finger, and dumped for the next by a swipe, goodbye text or silence. We must consciously tune out the noise and the plethora of options we’re now addicted to and treat them as an illusion; a hedonist treadmill with destination: emptiness.
Everyone has good and bad qualities that you’ll like and dislike. It’s good news that we have more choices than our parents and ancestors, and can now select people with many more similar qualities and interests, but you’ll need to recognize when the time comes; you want a fulfilling, quality relationship – you’ll have to tune out your addiction to instant gratification and always looking for the next best thing. The perfect match might already be in front of you, if you just give them a bigger chance.